Original Post: March 18, 2015

"The more you expect miracles, the more miracles you will experience." ~May Cause Miracles

Can I close my eyes and expect the miracle that I can write with my right hand again please??  And that I'm able to type with both hands??  This left handed writing and typing is kind of bullshit if you ask me.  It slows my thinking process. Bleh.  It's all part of my 'journey' I suppose.

So aside from being slowed down because of my gimp hand, Dave's dad was here visiting for a week, I was having a day or two of a huge Pity Party and I needed a break.  On top of that, through journaling and speaking with my Soul Sister Heather, I had a HUGE realization that I needed to process and digest. But I'm back, with some really crazy insight...

There is so much talk about forgiveness, which has never been my strength. I've never been able to forgive easily, as I was never shown how.  And I do believe that it's a learned behavior.  When I was younger I heard my mom say, "I may forgive, but I'll never forget."  This was brilliant!  What a great way to protect myself!  Then when I was older I heard it switched around and an even bigger wall was put up, "I may forget, but I'll never forgive." This rang true so many times for me.  There were plenty of people that I no longer spoke to, but I couldn't remember exactly why.  I just knew that they had done something that pissed me off and I was done.  What a miserable way to live.  But it's what I knew.  

I sat and listed all of the things I needed to forgive myself for.  (That's always a really shitty feeling!  No wonder I was having a pity party!) And through listing everything I found a common theme: The root of all of my suffering was coming from not listening to my intuition!!  Staying in relationships too long.  Not listening to my gut to just leave already!  Dating someone who was on his way to jail for his DUI's.  Not listening to my gut to RUN.  Getting married even though I knew better.  Not listening to my gut that I was making a mistake.  All of my drinking and drug use.  You guessed it.  Continuing to date someone but completely ignoring my instincts that he was a cheater and a liar.  Pssssh.  That churning in my stomach was just indigestion.  Working for someone that was mean and just a horrible person.  But the money was good!!  It all came down to me disregarding what my body was telling me, disregarding my INNER GUIDE and continuing to go forward even though I knew better. 

And so now I was trying to forgive myself for all of this.  My amazing, super talented, insightful and wonderful friend Heather (who also happens to be a LOVE COACH!!) presented me with a statement when I had my 'AHA' moment: "The only thing you need to forgive yourself for is for thinking you've done anything wrong." *car wheels screeching to a halt*  "Nothing you do is a mistake.  It is merely a gift, a message, or an opportunity to do things differently."  She spoke about Radical Acceptance.  Accepting what has happened, accept the shit out of it, and then move on.  

You know how sometimes you need to hear something 10 different ways from as many different people before you finally let the message sink in?  This was one of those times, and it finally sank in.

So when I read the affirmation that day, I replaced 'forgiveness' with 'acceptance'.  

"I know acceptance will set me free.  I turn this desire over to you and I accept that you will show me where to go, what to do, (books to read), and what to say. I know you will lead me to the perfect assignments and lessons so that I can deepen my self-love and release my fear.  Thank you for guiding me to accept myself."  (I added the books to read, because I believe they come into our lives when we need them most.)  ~May Cause Miracles

If I believe now that I will be led to the perfect people to teach me the lessons that I need to learn, why are the people who I think have 'hurt' me any different? Weren't they the perfect people at the time, showing up to teach me the lessons that I needed to learn?  If I'm accepting now that the people and lessons I need will show up, I need to recognize that at one time, those were the lessons and the people that I needed, even though I viewed them as painful. Just because my ego got involved and made it about being rejected or wronged or hurt, doesn't mean that the lessons weren't monumental and life-changing.

In fact, maybe, this is the continuing lesson.  The lessons I didn't get when I parted ways with my previous lovers, when I left my jobs for new jobs, when I quit using drugs.  This whole time it hasn't been about Forgiveness, it's been about a Radical Acceptance.  

Head still spinning...