Original Post: March 14, 2015
"Carrying a past resentment toward yourself is what has kept you stuck in old fear patterns and has held you back from living a free-flowing life of love." ~MAY CAUSE MIRACLES
They say lessons will keep presenting themselves until you've dealt with them, learned your lesson and are ready to move on. And I know exactly what issue I need to deal with in order to move ahead, it's just that I don't know how. No matter how many books I read, therapists I cry to, friends I bitch to, journal entries I make, I simply cannot move past an incident that happened five fucking years ago!!! And I know that until I've dealt with this issue, it's going to keep coming up for me. What today's entry has helped me realize is that until I learn to forgive myself, I won't be able to move forward.
Someone hurt me five years ago. And fuck him, whatever. But I haven't been able to forgive myself for not listening to my gut, for dismissing warning signs, for not listening to friends (and even strangers!) who warned me about him. I haven't forgiven myself for not being over this issue already!! I can't forgive myself for not trusting my judgment. Even though I was tricked, I feel like I should have known better. I beat myself up constantly about this! I want to forgive myself for all of this, I just don't know how!! And the books all tell me that I need to move on (yeah no shit!), but they never really have a clear cut way to move through bullshit like this. I think that's been my biggest struggle, wanting it but not knowing how to get it. Honestly, I'm hoping that at the end of this 40 days I'll have moved through this so I can live in love instead of fear.
And don't get me started on all of the shady shit I did when I was using, the people I hurt, things I said, relationships and friendships I fucked up. Getting sober has its pros and cons. Now I get to remember all of the shit I did and try to make things better. I may be able to apologize for all of these horrible things, but until I've forgiven myself for them I'm going to be beating myself up forever. I know this is all part of the process of working through my issues, and I welcome the day that I can finally close the book on that sad story.
The affirmation of the day was helpful to imagine these thoughts as separate from me. It was really nice to have some relief and detach from these thoughts that are so deeply ingrained.
"Today I commit to letting go of the past. I choose to release the pent up anger and resentment. I welcome even a moment of release. I've done the best I can with my life's circumstances and today the best I can do is forgive." ~May Cause Miracles
I really can't recommend this book any more than I have. It's been very grounding and eye-opening. Some of the work has really hit home and others I haven't connected with. But I like to follow the AA suggestion, which is "Take what you need and leave the rest."
What do you need to forgive yourself for? What's holding you back from living in love? What have you done that's helped you move through forgiving yourself? I'm always interested to hear what's worked for other people. xoxo